10/18/2019
Both of the Hoosierz fanz were ecztatic az coach Hugo Cluelezz ztepped to the microphone to make a ztatement.
“Is this mic on? Manny! Can you hear me back there?”
“Yes, Manny,” added GM Ned Knownothing. “Is the audio suitable for this rousing press conference?”
Manny shook his head. “Quit blabbering, old man. Some of us have bowls of guacamole waiting for us at home. Those snacks won’t eat themselves. These lights click off in 15 minutes! No mas! FIFTEEN minutes!”
Clueless shook his head. “I’m supposed to say something like ‘We’re shocked by the fact that we’re undefeated….blah blah blah. Or we’re supposed to say, ‘We’re humbled by the support of both of our fanz--Bertha and Irma.’ Well, that last part is true. Those are mighty fine women and exceptionally good at making a mean five-cheese lasagna, if any bachelors are hearing this. But I am in no mood for phony humble-talk. Let’s get to the analysis before Manny cuts the lights on us!”
Good enough. Let’s get to it.
Yahoo predicts the Hoosierz to go 5-3 the rest of the way and for the Glaciers, Hoosierz, Camelizers and noles to make the top 4. Yahoo expects Brick to lose all the rest of their games. Ouch, Brickster. What did you do to offend the Yahoos?
AF1 is on the longest losing streak, while Hoosierz are on the longest winning streak.
It appears that the smallest margin of victory in any game this season was Glacier Nation over Smash Mouth by a miniscule 1.72 points. While the largest margin of victory seems to have been the Week 4 matchup of MadPack and ROC Raiders when ROC scored a respectable 125 points, only to see NeverMadPack beat him by 78 points anyway.
Now, to the matchups…..
Hoo vs. Glaciers
Russell Wilson is an MVP candidate in real football and in fantasyland this year.
Hoosierz have 10 of their original 15 draft picks. Glaciers also have 10 or their original picks. (in contrast, the ever-dropping, ever-adding RayzinMan has NINE of his draft picks and one of the ones he dropped was Andrew Luck, so maybe we shouldn’t count that one.
Yahoo predicts the Hoosierz to go 5-3 the rest of the way. Haters.
Hoosierz have scored between 125 to 134 points every week, except for a 110 score. So they get they Never Spectacular/Never Terrible Award.
Glacier has to do without the marvelous Christian McCaffrey. (HA!) and will doubtless use that as the excuse for his loss. He’s also without Curtis Samuel for the week, but he doesn’t care.
fournette/d-johnson duo outdoes the carson/C-Hyde tandem. Delanie Walker (TE) seems to be both highly regarded and under-performing each year. Robert Woods is one of those players who can be GREAT one week and the Invisible Man the next.
Ka’imi Fairbairn from Kailua, Hawaii may have been undrafted, but he’s all-world in the NFL Name Pro Bowl. There have been 109 Hawaiian-born NFL players, beginning with Augie Cabrinha in 1927, who apparently was a wingback, whatever that is.
Yahoo says 120- 106. Glaciers don’t like to be picked to win, so I won’t choose them.
Hoosierz 139- 110.
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Carmelized Rayzinz vs. RedCats
The VERY cool RedCat avatar will not be enough to bring them from 10th place to the winner’s circle, especially if they continue to start two players on a BYE week. One of those bye weekers is the entertainingly-named JuJu Smith-Schuster. (By the way, RC has players named DeDe and JuJu...why not add Charlie CHOO CHOO Justice or Yogi’s friend Boo-Boo to round out the squad?) Maybe the fact that Charlie passed away in Cherryville in 2003 will make it harder, but I suppose RC may have stopped caring by now anyway.
Rayzin is especially strong at Wide Receiver after trading with ROC to get Michael Thomas to go with Julio “Down by the School Yard” Jones. Yahoo says the score will be 118 to 74. It may not be that close. The average American spends the equivalent of 2 and a half days a year looking for lost things. “Maybe RedCat should look for his lost season,” said Coach Clueless. Wow. That was cold, Hugo.
Rayzinz with the W.
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AIRFORCE VS. noles
From whatever continent he’s currently putting his AirBus or Boeing shadow on...AF1 will be bringing the heat with Devin Singletary who hasn’t played since week two replacing Alvin “facial piercings” Kamara. Not to worry, AF1 has Josh Jacobs and Kerryon Johnson at RB, as well. Does anyone else thinks it’s innnnnnnnteresting that a Pilot has a RB named “Carry-on”?
The noles have a very good RB combo of Elliott, Jones and Ingram. I don’t trust Brandon Cooks or Larry F to bring consistently high production at WR, but maybe this will be the periodic ON week for them. Of course, noles has once again drafted Travid Kelce for a record 27th year--longer than the league has existed-- and that should help his cause. The nole man is on a hot streak of three in a row and OF COURSE Yahoo has picked them to win since Yahoo has been fawning over the noles all year. Sickening.
If only Ashley Leilie were still available, AF1. Marc Borigter is busy, I’m sure.
Because of their strength at RB, the noles should once again be victorious for a fourth victory.
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Brickman vs. MadPack
Still reeling from the slow bats of his beloved St. Louis Cardinals playoff performance, the Brick Burgermeister Meisterburger will seek to avenge last week’s loss by shellacking the NeverMadPack. They feature the Old Guard vs. the New Guard at QB with Mahomes taking on Rodgers.
I admit I don’t understand the Brick roster strateegery of holding on to two tight ends, three QB’s (when you already have Mahomes) plus two defenses. Maybe it’s a Lego thing.
NeverMad has been explosive!! (Then NOTexplosive) this season. After 6 weeks NeverMad is the only team to score more than 800 pts for the season, including his 203 points in Week 4.
have scored 109, 169, 89, 203, 109, and 170 in successive weeks. Talk about an up and down season!!
Mad Pack--in 3rd place-- has only made an amazing ONE move so far on the waiver wire, compared to RM’s 34 moves in 7th place. MadPack also has the most points scored AGAINST him at 806 points. RedCats, AF1, ROC Raiders, Brickhead and Noles, on the other hand, have had more points scored AGAINST them than they have scored. (For the mathematically-challenged, that’s half the league.)
Since NeverMad is due for a medium scoring week, we’ll go with the Hard Heads.
Brickman by 3.75 points despite the Yahoo haters.
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ROC vs. Smash Mouth
An Oregon man named Jeremy once survived, along with his dog, for five days while stranded in his car because of snow. They survived by eating taco sauce packets. “That sounds much tastier than this matchup,” Clueless smirked. Cold, Hugo. Cold.
We’re not sure exactly what to expect from Lamar Jackson, but the Ravens are on track to set a team rushing record, based I suppose on Lamar J and their running back combo. Smash’s D-Watson can run some, too and is about as volatile as a MadPack score. He has recorded scores of 37, then 13 then 32 then 14 then 50 then 35. We’re exhausted.
ROC has to deal with the GurleyMan’s feeblocity but, speaking of feeble, SMASH is starting the mighty Adrian “I don’t want to ever leave the NFL” Peterson who apparently will NEVER RETIRE. Ever.
In the 1800’s it was considered cruel and unusual punishment to feed lobsters to inmates. It looks like another close one folks. But we’ll give the win to ROC by .38. Now THAT’S cruel and unusual punishment for SmashMan.
