04/01/2026
There it was.
My afternoon was about to turn from peace and serenity to pure horror and dread. And all while I was simply attempting to assemble a cardboard box.
A simple task. Any 3 year old with a roll of tape could do it. A task with no thought to it. Easy – just like I like it. But that ease was about to disappear like my bank account after an electric bill.
I was attempting to sort out an order and I had decided that a box to separate the items was necessary. So I stepped outside to grab one of my recently discarded boxes.
It was when I brought it inside and unfolded it that all hell broke loose.
As I was doing this simple task this extremely large, 8 legged, dagger wielding, venom spewing lobster from Hades ran UP THE BOX towards my hand and went flying - ONTO MY SHIRT!
A scorpion. A LARGE SCORPION.
I danced around like a candy laced, sugar high toddler at a ballet recital. Screaming like I sat on a lit stove in a mini skirt going commando. My mind was racing! I didn’t know what to do!
Do I hit it off?? HELL NO- The thought of my skin actually touching it puckered my butt even more!
Strip naked?? Possible option- but then more sensitive areas that I am very precious of would be exposed to the clawed hell demon!
Grab a bottle of lighter fluid off the shelf and just douse myself?? Another great option but the lighters were 3 aisles away!
I watched in horror as it inched it’s way up my shirt like a rock climber in an earthquake. My concentration focused on two things (1)- not getting stabbed by the clawed assassins boiling little Arkansas toothpick and (2) not soiling myself during this dance with death.
Fred Astaire would have been proud.
Fruit of the Loom… even more proud.
As we continued this dance for what seemed like 3 karaoke renditions of American Pie a miracle suddenly happened…
The armor-plated sewing machine from hell flew off of me like D.B. Cooper over Oregon and onto the floor. I was able to regain focus at which time I threw one of my size 11 Ariat saddles onto that bark-colored bronc and rode his butt into the carpet for 8 seconds and sent him back to the rodeo of the underworld where he came from.
And then I changed my shonies.
Terro Scorpion Killer - $12.99 at Redding’s
